Don't gimme that look. Yeah, that one. I don't want you thinking that I actually bought Barbie for NES myself. No, it was...ahhh... a present. Uncle Murphy, that kook... Anyhoo, somehow I ended up with this game in my possession, but to avoid ridicule and/or the questioning of my manhood, I tried to avoid playing it at all costs. But there's a hidden side of me, the gamer within, that gives me the desire to play every game ever created. When I grow up, around the year 2025 or so, I want to be able to say that I've played them all. Then I want to be able to configure my Year 2025 Laser Headset to automatically destroy the TV every time Cyber-Bill-Cosby shows his face on the screen. So, I reluctantly started up my Nintendo, only to discover an experience worse than any disease, any famine, or any Oprah Winfrey.

We're immediately introduced to the total bimbo that Barbie is at the very start of the game, when we see her ridiculous slumbering rituals. She can't even read a lousy book without talking to herself the entire time. She keeps blurting out retard-speak such as "I LOVE READING ABOUT MERMAIDS!!" and "YAWN! I AM GETTING SLEEPY NOW. I NEED MY REST- TOMORROW'S A BUSY DAY!" Then we unwillingly listen to her plans for the following day, all of which revolve around buying more ugly clothes and hanging around with that mindless drone, Ken. Somewhere in between "go to the malt shop" and "chew gum with Skipper," she slips into some bizarre purple haze, where's she's STILL mumbling about her bimbo schedule. Then, she surprisingly shuts her plastic mouth as her dream begins.

Barbie's dream becomes the player's nightmare. Somehow, we're magically warped into the Sports Chalet from Hell, as we all go into convulsions from the sickening baseball wallpaper surrounding her. As if this wasn't pathetic enough, Barbie is suddenly attacked by possessed sporting equipment. No joke. Honestly, I think Ken must have slipped something really nasty into her drink at the Soda Shop for her to be having dreams about killer tennis rackets. As you watch Barbie get beaten to a bloody pulp by a beachball, you may ask yourself, what does Barbie have to fight back with? Well, to avoid utter embarrassment, it's probably better off that you didn't ask that. Her only method of defense in the entire game is her ability to lightly toss beanbags. Notice I said "lightly toss" instead of throw. Even "lightly toss" is an understatement. She puts zero effort into chucking the hackey sacks. She doesn't even lift an arm. It's more of a spastic wrist flick, sending the beanbag plummeting straight to the ground. Great, That oughtta strike fear into any evil ThighMaster that might be lurking nearby. And did I mention Barbie's amazing jumping abilities? Everytime she jumps, she positions her legs like some sort of pixie with down syndrome. And with every jump, it makes an unbelievably IRRITATING noise, sounding similar to "BLOOPWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" The annoying sounds cause the player to kill themselves even before Barbie's murdered by a flying volleyball net.

Ah, but fear not, airheaded plastic doll enthusiasts, Barbie's got help along the way. Throughout each level, you'll find dead animals lying on the ground. If you throw a beanbag at the deceased parrot, dog, hyena, or what have you, they'll gleefully come back to life and assist you with whatever moronic tasks you need accomplished. And each animal gradually becomes more and more useless. Resurrect a parrot, and it becomes a platform for Barbie to jump on. Resurrect a dog, and it inexplicably runs off and kills an evil tennis racket that you passed by 10 minutes ago. Resurrect a cat, and it goes to play with a ball until you rip the cartridge out of your NES and spit into the cartridge slot.

If you somehow make it past the deadly exercise equipment, you'll find yourself face to face with the first boss: A wall. A freaking wall. No kidding. Oh, but this is no ordinary wall. This wall shoots beach balls. GREEN ONES. In order to beat this badly-wallpapered menace, you have to chuck beanbags at a cat, Then the cat will run like mad and go airborne, flying straight into the wall. Do this three times, and eventually everything will turn green, and you'll warp to the next level. And by "level", I mean store in the discount mall.

You find your pink-clad plastic self in the middle of a boutique. It's at this point in the game where things go absolutely haywire. Thought it was stupid before? This is at least 20 times worse. THERE'S ARTICLES OF CLOTHING FLYING EVERYWHERE. Hats that look like they came from Gilligan's wardrobe start rocketing towards like freaking buzzsaws. White blouses are flapping and flying all over the place like ghosts with Parkinson's disease. No matter how fast you make Barbie run through this absolute chaos, it won't prevent you from witnessing the scariest thing in the entire game.

THE SECOND BOSS. You have to fight a GIANT LEVITATING SPRING WARDROBE. I had a fudge roll in my trousers the second I saw this thing. As soon as you enter the room, its shoes go straight for Barbie's jugular. It's up to you to jump around like a total spaz and fling hackey sacks all over the room. Once you've finally beaten up every demonic piece of garb, and once you've made the biggest fool out of yourself as humanly possible, you can move on to yet another depressing store level.

Things don't get much better. You're submersed into even more pinkness that's less visually appealing than Bob Hope's blood-and-fat complexion. Gone are the sinister inanimate objects. Now your only enemies are unpredictable water fountains. Water fountains that surprisingly do more damage than Satan possessed racquetballs. But at least Barbie's wearing a blue dress now- That'll make it easier to see the blood stains after I send her flying straight into a beachball-spitting wall.

Once you finally die, Barbie wakes up into her purple haze again, and like during any common addition problem, she's deep in thought for an hour. Should she go back to sleep or wake up? Since the "Kill myself" option isn't there, it's pretty much a game of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo here. But if you're wise enough to choose "wake up," she'll return to her normal skin color and say "MAYBE I'LL DREAM IT AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT!!" Yeah, maybe you will, Barbie. Tomorrow night will be a wonderful night for dreaming, as you'll be lying on the Blockbuster used game section on the "slightly damaged" shelf right next to a peed-on Game Genie.

                                      
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